EHSBT-Storyteller Main

SABRINA'S GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

      GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

     THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

       1)    You believe in Santa Claus.
       2)    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
       3)    You are Santa Claus.
       4)    You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

SABRINA'S GREAT TRUTHS (C) B-Man 2003

DEREK BELL BIG TEDDY BEAR SWEATER

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DEREK BELL'S BIG TEDDY BEAR SWEATER (C) Suds 2003

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING (C) B-Man 2001

BUMPER STICKERS

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute

12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

16) My kid had sex with your honor student.

17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.

18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...not screaming and

yelling like the passengers in his car.

23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

36) CAT----- The Other White Meat

37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?

40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.

41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles

42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.

and last one:

43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're a fucking peckerhead.

BUMPER STICKERS (C) Sister Mang 2001

WE STAND ON GUARD

Only in Canada...

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions

while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone

we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'

meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

ALSO:

You know you're from Canada when ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12.The local paper covers national and international headlines in 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15.Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

17.You head south to go to your cottage.

18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.

21.You find -40C a little chilly.

22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

23. When you attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

24.You can play road hockey on skates.

25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

26.The municipality buys a Zamboni (Ice Re-Surfacers-for those in need of political correctness...

and you know who you are!!) before a bus.

27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

WE STAND ON GUARD (C) JAY-K. 2001.

GIRLS ARE EVIL

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GIRLS ARE EVIL (C) B-MAN 2001.

SOMEWHERE, SOMETHING WHEN TERRIBLY WRONG

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SOMEWHERE, SOMETHING WHEN TERRIBLY WRONG (C) WEBMAN 2001.

IT'S A WOMAN

IT'S A WOMAN (C) JAY-K 2001.

ANNIE'S PUB

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ANNIE'S PUB (C) B-MAN 2000.

TOP TEN BEER THEORIES

10. I drink to make other people interesting.

9. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

8. I feel sorry for people who don't drink when they wake up in the morning, because that's as good as

they're going to feel all day.

7. Always do sober what you said you do drunk. That will teach you to shut up.

6. You're never really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on to anything.

5. Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

4. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

3. Beauty lies in the hand of the beer holder.

2. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

1. 24 hours in a day, 24 cans in a slab of beer.

TOP TEN BEER THEORIES (C) WAYNER 2000.